Sunday, August 26, 2012

The worst Dirty Diaper Explosion EVER... for Dr. E

Last month, I handled the most massive, disgusting diaper blowout in my life.... which, after dealing with the various explosions of four kids, that's saying something. Epic intensity. Code Brown. Code Double Brown. Everywhere. All four kids in the car were screaming because of the stench and mess... Had to perform emergency damage control and clean-up in the Chik-FIL-A  parking lot.... Barefoot....

Horrific, but still laughable... because if I didn't laugh I would cry ...

It began when I asked poor little Butch Cassidy, who sits next to the baby in the car, if he smelled something bad... I suspected that LLL had a "bad diaper". After sniffing carefully,  he reacted violently, and INSISTED that I pull over and do SOMETHING... because her seat was COATED in poop. BC said it was flowing like lava out of her seat. He wasn't exaggerating. 

To make matters worse, and to fully illustrate the disgusting hilarity of the situation, my wild child kept shaking a toy that had was saturated in her filth and it was getting all over him. Her toy-swinging flung the nastiness into the back row as well, so the other two kids, Sundance and the Princess, were going berserk all while LLL laughed and continued to wildly kick her feet. 

The Princess was mostly concerned about the flying poo landing on her ponytail.... It's like she would have been fine with it landing anywhere else on her.... but NOT ON MY HAIR!!!! NO POO ON MY HAIR!!! The car was in complete and total chaos... screaming and yelling.... it made me think of what I imagine a prison riot to sound like... or one of the lower layers of Hell in Dante's Inferno. 

Sundance alternated between whining about the stench, saying that his eyes were burning OFF.... and threatening to put the poo on the Princess. I had to carefully extract LLL from her poo-covered carseat, lay her down on MY seat in the car, remove her clothing, scrub her clean with wipes, replace her diaper that had been blown to smithereens, THEN cover her filthy car seat with various receiving blankets, towels, McDonald's napkins and anything else I could find in my car to keep her from being re-soiled... I felt like the MacGuyver of Motherhood...the toy (it had links attached to it... which increased it's slingability) that was soiled was safely removed from the Danger Zone of her eight-month-old hands and stowed for a good Lysoling. 

I had to ride with all the windows down, and listen to Sundance work himself into a frenzy about how his hair would never smell the same after being STAINED by THAT SMELL... yes, he's only 4. I know, right? I mean this is the same kid that took a poo in the outside garbage can. 


 I turned up some Grateful Dead to where I couldn't her the din in the backseat and drove home. And what's even crazier is that I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I love my life. 

Less poo-riffic occasions would be nice, however.....

Thursday, August 16, 2012

I've been holding on to this one for awhile

Because the Herd has kept me running... But the pictures from this incident are too awful to keep to myself. About a month ago, the big 3 were playing in the playroom. I walked in there and told them I was going to get them some clothes and get LLL up from her morning nap. Came back LESS than 10 minutes later, and all three kids were covered in black chalkboard paint, had paint rollers out and were painting our wooden bar. This had to have been premeditated, because BC had to take a chair, push it up to refrigerator, reach way to the back of the top of the fridge, get the previously UNOPENED can of paint, get a paint key out of the toolbox on top of the fridge, open the paint, dispense rollers and brushes to his Herdmembers, and then begin destruction. It was, and still is, all over the red carpet, and the furniture, and them. I had the strip them and put them one by one in the shower and SCRUB the paint off of their bodies. Being a mom of this Herd takes a strong constitution.... Or complete insanity... Or both. And lots of prayer. And liquor. And the ability to laugh. A lot.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

And we wondered why

.... They were even crazier than usual.... Even though it's always a zoo around here, this afternoon has been WHACK... Kids hurling DVDs, ninja-star-style, at each other... Running through the den at a pace the Kenyans would be proud of.... Chaos. The Husband found this little bottle of Great Value Energy Drops in the garage just now. It's like Mio energy, or Red Bull in concentrated form. It's like giving the Tasmanian Devil crack and watching him spin even faster. I'm hoping they will come crashing down fast and hard.... Because I've been counting down until bedtime today. And if they don't crash, there's always Benedryl. I'm not afraid to use it.... Judge me, you don't live here ;) oh, and the picture of Sundance shows that even with a helmet, that when everyone is high on caffeine, no one is safe.

In the time it took me to...

Lay LLL down and change her clothes, BC took a Sharpie marker that he had previously absconded and hidden for an opportunity just like this, and labelled Each of the children's bedroom doors with the name of the room's occupant. I've already tried rice it with an extra strength magic eraser, to no avail.