Renewal in Running

Today, for the first time in quite some time, I felt a firm sense of resolve in my heart. This was so exciting, and I recognized it for what it was.... I was determined to go running. That disciplined feeling of direction... Knowing that you WILL do something and that it matters. This motivation has been missing from my life for quite some time, and it's extended to much more than just my running life... I'm finally feeling like I WANT to do things... Not just half-heartedly start and abandon them.

The lack of motivation is tied closely to my depression issues... With the paradox being that the less I feel motivated, the less I do... Then the less I do, the less I feel motivated. It's a lose-lose, and I've fought many battles to pull up out of the death spiral of inactivity. I sit there KNOWING that I should do something.... That it WILL help me... But powerless to actually force myself up and out. Usually a random spark of some kind.... Whether it's inspiration from something I've read, or something Someone else does... That gets me going. Once I feel the amazing rush of adrenaline, I'm heading back up and I feel that old friend of mine return... Determination.

I was excited about this run all day long... Anticipated it... Got nervous occasionally that my motivation would escape and I'd feel like a failure for not going. Or that the run would go horribly and my fragile reemergence in the running world would be crushed. It's amazing how something that makes me feel so strong and empowered has the potential to bring me such misery, too, if I don't perform positively. 

I made sure that I had my running clothes on when my husband came home from work.... He knows what that means, it's like a declaration of some kind, and once he's seen me in those clothes I feel like I have to back that up. It's some sort of self-imposed accountability... Even though he doesn't necessarily know that he's a part of that. He's the one person in the world that I'm seriously concerned with pleasing.... I want to make him proud. Even though, deep down, I know that he's proud of me for just being me.... Just existing. To cop out makes me feel weak.... Like a loser. And I always want his respect as a strong, determined woman... For some reason acceptance isn't enough.... It's too passive to satisfy that need in me. I want his earned respect. 

So I headed out... Gingerly, as I always do, for the first tenth of a mile, then I began to find my rhythm. It felt great outside.... Starting to thaw out from the utter frigidity of Tuesday night. Energy was good, legs felt strong but a bit fatigued from starting back earlier in the week. I pushed my distance up to 2.5 miles and completed that in 27:45. I'm not pushing the speed... Just going for a brisk but comfortable pace, and running without stopping to walk. Thought about all kinds of things on the run... While I do listen to music, this is my time of solitude. No one wants anything from me... This is my time. I can always feel the solitude crack like wine glass every time I return home.... The cacophony of my household fills my senses... And I'm usually treated to a hero's welcome... Even though I've only been around the neighborhood. Maybe the kids sense that just getting out the door is a battle for me at times... Or they think that their mom is awesome for running... Or that they're just relieved I'm home so they can sit with me on the couch. Whatever the reason, I accept it gratefully. 

Running is like renewal of the spark of life within me. Can't wait to see what path I set ablaze.

Rebirth in Running

For some reason, the rare winter storm's snow inspired me to go for a run tonight for the first time in two months. Longest running hiatus ever for me. I've been in a weird funk that's left me very unmotivated, so when the compulsion hit me to go for a run, I acted on it. It was COLD. I've run in colder temperatures, but I think the ice and snow everywhere made it even colder. A damp cold. I forced myself to push start on my watch and sprint off. My legs became sore pretty quickly, but it was a good sore... The kind that lets you know you're alive and that your body is working hard. Anytime I've ever taken a running break of any kind, that first run back's pain is an affirmation that I'm still a runner and that my body CAN do this... And also a sort of penance for neglecting myself and the roads for so long. The cold burned my face and lungs... My hands became rigid with stiffness from the cold... But I pushed on and reveled in the experience. It was strange running on icy roads... My legs had to work harder to keep traction and remain stable. I'm not sure if it was this struggle or the cold that made my legs feel like lead after a mile, or maybe both, but I'm just glad I didn't let this snow leave without me going for a run unit. I've regretted not running at all in December. Christmas time is usually my favorite time to run... I love looking at all of the Christmas lights and the cool crisp air... I feel like I've wasted it this year. But maybe I've done exactly what my body and soul needed me to do... I've trained so hard for so long, and not allowed myself to heal from the changes and losses that I've experienced... Maybe this was just a time to recover as it all caught up with me. Running has changed a lot for me since last Spring when my running partner moved out of my life. The dynamic of fellowship and support that I held so dear vanished almost overnight, and it left me reeling. I'm still not completely over it... And I don't know when I will be, but I am working to give running a rebirth in my life. I'm ready for it to evolve with me into whatever I need it to be... I just know that I do need it. Ran two miles, non-stop, in my neighborhood at 7 PM with 25 degree air outside. Looking forward to the next journey. Pray I stay motivated and inspired.