Bumpy Reentry

By: Jessica Azar
This trip to Dallas was absolutely amazing, and was much needed by the High Roller and myself to spend time as a couple and relax. In recent years (since we started having kids, we have usually not ventured far from the hotel when we got to go on a trip like this... Just getting away from the demands of work and constantly caring for children and taking it easy was a fantastic way to spend a weekend... But this time we decided to go adventuring, and it made for a seriously enjoyable, fun-packed weekend.


As soon as we landed, we rented a car and headed to Southfork Ranch in Parker, TX, which is the setting and filming location of the classic TV show Dallas. I've loved and watched the show since I was a kid, and the High Roller has watched all of the new series episodes, so we were very excited to be going there. On our way to SF we stopped off at a random exit and found a locally owned Mexican restaurant for lunch and it was fantastic. It was called Pollo Salsa, and they were grilling large amounts of chicken on an open grill that could be seen from the ordering/dining area, and it smelled wonderful. I ate the Crispy Chicken tacos,  and the aforementioned chicken was delicious in the freshly made crispy corn taco shells. We left there for Southfork, full and happy. Southfork was gorgeous... Over 300 green acres with horses and longhorns everywhere. We got to tour the Ewing mansion, as well as the famous patio balcony and swimming pool, which always makes me think of the scene where JR was shot, which led to the "Who shot JR" cliffhanger. 

It was both surreal and exciting seeing the locations that were so familiar from a show I've watched since I was a child, and nostalgic, too. I can still picture my Dad's foot keeping time with the Dallas theme music from when I would watch it with them. We were excited to see that current episodes of Dallas were being filmed on location while we were there! The stars' acting trailers were on site, and we could see them dashing in and out of white vans to be taken to the filming sites. Before heading to our hotel, we also saw the memorial site they had created for JR and his parents. Very, very cool experience.

Our hotel (at which the High Roller's employers so graciously provided our lodging) was huge, luxurious and very swanky... The Hilton Anatole. After checking in, we went to the room and the very tired High Roller passed out. I went to the spa and had a fabulous pedicure... So fabulous, in fact, that I fell asleep during the foot massage. That evening we had supper at the fine dining steakhouse on the 27th floor of the hotel with another couple who were also there for the Presidents Club awards ceremony. Much verra fine single malt scotch was drank, excellent steaks were eaten and we all had a fantastic time telling stories and socializing. I love meeting new friends.

We got up the next morning, after sleeping like the dead in an amazingly comfortable bed, had breakfast and headed to Dealey Plaza. We went to the 6th Floor Museum at the Texas school book Depository where Lee Harvey Oswald famous fired shots at JFK. The museum had amazing displays and memorabilia relating to JFK and the assassination. It also presented evidence for various conspiracy theories surrounding the murder, which were fascinating... We both love conspiracy theories so this was right up our alley. Afterwards we went to the infamous Grassy Knoll and saw the X's that have been placed on the street where JFK was hit by the bullets while riding in the motorcade. I'm a history nerd, and getting to visit places like this is exhilarating for me. We then headed to the Reunion Tower for a fantastic view of downtown Dallas... It's the big Ball in the sky of Dallas' skyline. The GeoDeck observatory allowed us to take in the sights of downtown Dallas, and they had a very helpful interactive, touchscreen to help visitors locate certain landmarks below. We searched and found a landmark restaurant that sounded great to try... Sonny Hutchinson's BBQ. they seriously had some of the best BBQ I've ever eaten... and the beef brisket was so tender it was falling apart. we ate way too much and headed back to the hotel.

I had intended to go for a run... but I was so full that I passed out in our room next to the High Roller. We got up in time to get cleaned up for the President's Club awards dinner and set out for the Verandah Club where it was located. I'm so proud of my husband for achieving the honor of being one of the top producing salesmen in his nation-wide, top of the industry company. It's an awesome feeling to see him honored for his hard work, intelligence and salesmanship, as well as his service to customers along with the others in his company on the same level. Our dinner table company was fantastic.. very entertaining people who all had great stories to tell about their lives at home. It's always invigorating to me to be around people who are at the top of their professional game... the competition among them exists, but they are all social and cordial just the same.

Now, as I sit on my flight home typing this, I prepare for re-entry.... I don't mean our plane landing... I mean re-entry into the world of being a full-time Mom, instead of a wife and best friend on a luxurious vacation. The time we spent away together was much needed and so much fun... and it always reminds me of how lucky I am to be married to someone that I enjoy so completely. I want to do everything I can to strengthen and foster a supportive, loving relationship. Stepping back into the managing of the Herd gives me an intense feeling of palpable responsibility... it can be a heavy yoke at times, leaving me weary, as the endless questions and demands for my attention consume my senses... but it's one I wouldn't trade, because with the heft of responsibility comes the flood of hugs and kisses and excitement that we are home at last. And hopefully their first question wont be "what did you bring us?!"....  Now excuse me as I switch my party-ready wife only hat for the hardworking Wife and Mama one...

Coming Out... The Scoop (or some of it) on being a Bipolar Mom

By: Jessica Azar

I talk about it publicly... It's no secret... But I haven't really addressed my experience as a stay at home mom living with Bipolar disorder in writing.. Or here on this blog.  Having been inspired recently by another blogger who has "come out" publicly about being Bipolar, I feel it's time to discuss my experiences here with a series of posts. Hopefully, it will be easier to understand what it feels like to deal with this... To be in my shoes. Maybe it will help someone else going through the same things, to know that they're not alone, or help others to understand those in their lives enduring the battle. I seek to erase the stigma of having a mental illness, which usually stems from a lack of understanding, and the lack of realistic depictions of people living with them. Those battling Bipolar need a support system and coping skills.... Not to feel isolated and ostracized for something they can't change.

Although I may refer to myself as being "Bipolar", I am actually Diagnosed as Bipolar II. As a BP II, I typically do not have true "manias"... You know.... the "ups" characterized by erratic behaviors like impulsive shopping, risky choices etcetera. I don't experience the "woo hoo" rush of adrenaline and "feeling good"... I instead typically have Hypomania. Hypomania sucks... Really. It consists of being insanely irritable, wanting to clean/organize everything, going on two hours of sleep (intense energy and insomnia) and being easily frustrated... It's Kind of like being on Speed. Then, unless something helps to stop the cycle, I plunge into the deepest, ugliest depression you can imagine. Bipolar II depressions are actually considered to be more severe than those of someone diagnosed with Bipolar I... And because of it, there is a higher suicide rate associated with BP II. My depression usually consists of: Crying at bedtime because I don't want to get up the next day (Not in a suicidal sense... But that I just can't bear the thought of having to get up and do everything all over again the next day that must be done) or heck, crying a day long, never knowing when the depressive quicksand will let go of me and let me emerge (it can be a week or 3 months), combined with endless exhaustion/fatigue and a complete loss of motivation. I only do what I can force myself to do that MUST be done... Keeping the Herd fed and clothed... Taking them to places where they HAVE to go... Holding our lives together with duck tape rather than tidy stitches of competence.

 Sometimes I feel like my "illness" provides them with an extra special mom... When they get to experience my creativity and high energy. It is then that they get to enjoy the "benefits" of my condition. If you do a quick Google search, you will see a list of tons of amazing people throughout history who have personally battled Bipolar Disorder... And usually they are amazingly creative types. It's a constant struggle, but having Bipolar Disorder is not without some benefits. When I'm not depressed, I have bouts of being extremely inspired and creative... Whether I'm writing, or making something with the kids, I fuel my energies into being productive and accomplishing goals just to accomplish them. This compulsion has led me to embark on many goal oriented quests, and I'm not sure that I would feel those urges if my brain chemistry weren't ordered in the way of a Bipolar mind.

Mostly, I try to convince myself that I'm not screwing them up too badly, and that they are having happy childhoods that will be remembered fondly... And hoping that they won't remember too much about the summer when Mommy only wanted to sit on the couch and never go anywhere. And cried. A lot. Or that they will think of me as yelling a lot and having no patience (thank you Hypomania)... Or as being aloof and thinking I'm uninterested in them... When exactly the opposite is true. The Guilt is incredibly strong... Compounded by the usual "Mommy guilt" that most mothers endure. 

I also worry that my children may have inherited my issues... And I wouldn't wish the hellish parts of being bipolar on anyone... Especially the jewels of my heart. I even had a doctor suggest that I not have any more children (I already had our first two children when I was first correctly diagnosed)... Both to keep from passing the predisposition on to them and to make life more manageable for me. Sleep disturbance (which kids usually cause) can disrupt bipolar mood cycles. Part of me also felt like I shouldn't subject more kids to dealing with a bipolar Mom. When I did get pregnant with our last two herd members, it was a difficult leap of faith, because I had to quit taking all of my medicines (for the safety of the baby)... cold turkey. Withdrawal threw me into the pits of hell depression (where I usually wind up when I'm not pregnant and have been taken off of my meds).. All while taking care of TWO (or THREE with the last pregnancy) small children AND simultaneously battling the ills of early pregnancy, like morning sickness and exhaustion. Pregnancy exhaustion plus Depression exhaustion is evil, and not for the weak! Part of me feels like I cheated them out of having my complete focus and attention because of our choices, but at the same time I know that the best gifts that I can give my children are my love and siblings. They will always have each other, and if nothing lose, can commiserate about their crazy mom. 

The unpredictability of knowing how my moods and mindset will be at a future time makes it very difficult to plan things and make big decisions... Like whether to homeschool or not... We had intended to homeschool my oldest this last Fall... And I had a bit of a nervous breakdown due to me piling WAY too much on my plate, and that plan had to changed at the last minute. It makes me worried about signing on for additional responsibilities or taking risks, and then my body not being able to cash the check I wrote. Finding a balance between living up to my potential and overbooking myself is a tough process... And it's ongoing. 

Pharmaceuticals aren't and shouldn't be the only tool in the toolbox of managing mental illness, but they are an important part of treatment for many people, myself included. I have been through many different "cocktails" of meds... Never knowing if it would work that time or if it would take a few weeks to see a difference.... there isn't a one size fits all treatment or medicine for Bipolar patients.... Many times a drug change can (and has, in my case) made matters infinitely worse. At one point, my well-meaning doctor thought I had too much serotonin, and yanked my anti-depressant out from under me. When that happened, the world turned upside down... I had a nervous breakdown (at this time I had three kids) and I cried nonstop. Could NOT make myself stop.... Could NOT control my own thoughts. I was never suicidal, in that I realized that I only felt the way that I did because of my meds being so out of whack. The doctor was an eyelash away from hospitalizing me, which is one of my biggest fears in life. It took me going away for a mini-vacation with my a Mom for a weekend and being out on some Heavy Meds (Depakote being one of them) to throw my body into neutral. It worked, but I felt numb.... Like a zombie. Thankfully, that feeling wore off, and I was slowly, over time, able to wean myself off the heavy meds and back on to my usual medicines. Although I was thankful to have my medicines righted and sanity back, I gained 15 pounds as a side effect of the heavy meds.... And I began looking for something to lose the weight. 

It was by God's grace that my sister-in-law mentioned the beginning runner's Couch to 5k program to me. I had always thought that I couldn't be a runner... I was dancer in my younger years and never played sports, but I love a challenge... And I also needed something for ME. One of the hardest things about being a Bipolar Mom is that you NEED to take extra care of yourself... But that rarely happens. We, as moms in general, are always worried about taking care of our families, and typically put our own needs dead last. So running, one of my most valuable Bipolar Management tools, entered the picture. It gave me a goal to focus on (at that point, completing a 5k), time for myself, stress relief (needed for my anxiety AND in managing a Herd of demanding kids) PLUS endorphins!!! The endorphins and energy from the exercise did wonders for my depression... And now if I slack off on my running, my moods reflect it. The biggest problem I have is that when I do go into a depression, it's hard for me to get motivated to run, even though I know it will cure what ails me. Running has become so vital to my mental health that I decided to keep running during my fourth pregnancy... Partially because I didn't want to lose the progress I had made (running my first half marathon) and mainly because I knew it would help me to battle my Bipolar symptoms while I couldn't take my medicines. With my ObGyn's guidance, I ran until I was 35 weeks pregnant, and completed a half marathon at 32 weeks. That dare to dream/romance of possibility that Bipolar gives me yielded another accomplishment that I treasure. I will be discussing the relationship between running and my bipolar 

In addition to running, another major lifestyle modification that has helped my symptoms in a HUGE way is changing my diet. Removing Gluten completely and reducing Dairy has had a profound impact of my life... I will be blogging more on this later in the series. 

So all of this being said, being Bipolar and a mother of four small children is hard... But worth it. Even though I have to remind myself of it quite frequently, I am a good mom, my kids are blessed to have me and even though the battle is tough, I wouldn't trade my mind for someone else's. I seek to appreciate myself as I am... And hope others can do the same. 

I will be posting more things about my experiences as a BP mom, but I felt like giving y'all some background would help with understanding the current things I encounter and discuss. In future posts I will also discuss more directly how being Bipolar affects my day to day life with the Herd.

Let me know your thoughts!!! I feel a little naked in putting all of this out here for the world to see, but I think it's important... I hope you can gain something from it, and if you know of someone who could benefit from it, please share this post with them. Comments and questions are welcome!

The Ebbs and Flows- Life of a BPII, Part 2

By: Jessica Azar
One of the things about living with Bipolar that continually challenges me is that it's constantly changing. Certain tools, like running, medicine adjustments etc., can spark an upturn in a descending (depressive) mood cycle or even completely pull a mood that's quagmired in depression back up again.... But these rescues are never lasting... And when turbulence strikes once again, another variable in the endlessly complex puzzle of brain chemistry must be altered.

After battling serious brain fog (cloudy thinking) and the inability to stay focused on what's going on around me, I asked my psychiatrist what I could do to help myself...It was interfering in everything I did daily and had been for some time. She suggested that my Lamictal dosage, which is my mood stabilizer, might be too high, and that the way I was feeling can be a drug side effect.... So she suggested that I half my Lamictal dosage for a couple of weeks and see what happens.  There are times I feel like I am continually choosing which side effects I can endure for the greater good of staying sane... It's a catch-22 and I have to weigh undesirable consequences against one another.... It gets old. Really old. It's so crazy to me that a medicine that has helped me so much for so long must suddenly be changed, because it's now affecting me adversely. It's also evokes a panicky, worried feeling in my gut, because I never know how any change to my regimen or lifestyle will affect everything else... And it can go hideously wrong. 

Because I could not live with and fight through the cognitive issues anymore, (they have been going on since last summer) I decided to take her advice and half the Lamictal dose. As always, I was apprehensive for the first few days... Waiting for the bottom to fall out if was going too... Analyzing my every thought and feeling... But then I started to feel great. Cognitive issues cleared up... Moods improved... More energy... Even lost a few pounds that I wasn't expecting to lose (meds can make me hold weight). It was fantastic, but then a couple of days ago, I started noticing the rapid fluctuation of my moods. Great. 

I kept having feelings of intense energy (strong, forceful compulsions to do things) as well as moods with heightened feeling, by where I feel emotions to my CORE... Even about little things. I get melancholy and nostalgic, and then frustrated and hyper focused on things of lesser importance. When I recognize the swings or alternating moods... They can switch every hour in my case-all BP's don't rapid cycle- and it's truly exhausting. Being that I so recently went through altering my meds, it gives me a feeling of being somewhat defeated... That I will never be able to rest in feeling good and knowing that it will never last. 

As I write this, I'm tearful... And an hour ago I was absolutely elated over the fantastic evening the High Roller and I had last night at the Masker's Ball. Being an emotional yo-yo is no fun. I'm also worried that a mixed state is trying to enter the scene... By where I have depressive symptoms and hypomanic symptoms at the same time. Upping my Lamictal by half will be my first line of action. I think one reason I either may not have noticed the fluctuations as much to begin with or not had them initially could be that I'm running regularly once again... Running helps relieve stress and relax me, but it doesn't solve all of my chemical issues. Fingers crossed this med tweak will work and not affect me adversely. Since tomorrow is a school holiday, I will have all four kids home with me through this adjustment... Praying they behave and that I will be in a state of mind to make it a fun day for them.